Go on, lil one....

They turn around, and walk on.. holding their future in their hands..
We stand still, watching.
Will they be ok? 
We ask our hearts..
We spend our children’s growing years, imagining what their future will be like.
Will they be happy
Will they be successful
Will they be at peace.
We run our lives around them
Only so they will be what you want them to be. Loved. And happy.
It never matters that we put aside our needs.. just so we see them happy.
That one smile from our child, sparks a million lil peaceful smiles within us.
We live for that smile. For that hug. For that ‘I love you, ma’
We know that their ‘You don’t know, anything’ just means ‘Leave me alone’ but we watch from the sidelines.
Our prayers will always be that they’re happy.
And when finally they fly.. spreading their wings, that we helped nurture, a piece of us cries.
We let go.
We let that tear fall.
We want to go back and hug.
We watch quietly from afar.
And when their eyes light up with joy..
We turn around and walk on..
Full with the joy that our lil one
Is happy...

...And you soar high.. turning 18 as you fly..

The day 18 years ago.. I had smiled while I held on to the lil chubby fingers of my older 4 year bright eyed boy, your brother ...we both looked at this peaceful lil bundle with long curvy eyelashes and sighed... 

6 months and I was at peace.. Here was my sunshine gurgling away...

2 years- I looked back... I saw a blur whizzing past me... I turned away and smiled. Life was normal. Everything around me was normal. This little sunny boy....  If one had to look inside they would find a heart of gold. Soft.. sensitive, loving and most generous.. 

Always my sunny boy. 

How do you hold so much love in your heart? 

5 years and our journey with growing up hit us full force.. broken bones notwithstanding.. You managed to bring a smile on the faces you interacted with.

Your mind had its own string.. you swung by.. and each time you went past.. you enveloped your dad, brother and me in a warm hug. 

Your brother and you were the two ends of the spectrum.. you helped spin it so fast that your fingers clasped each other every passing moment.

If ever there was an emotion to describe you.. it would still melt in a puddle of warmth, compassion and madness. 

The ‘you don’t know anything, Ma’ was a recurring dialogue in our lives. Soon it happened that I really didn’t know and I was learning things from my child and I realised I was prouder now than I ever was before. 

I wish you the courage to grab all the opportunities that will come by you and I wish you the perseverance to live your life to the fullest.

You’ll soon find out that being an adult is much less exciting than being a child. But shhhh don’t tell anyone. That’s our secret. 

I can’t guarantee that your life after eighteen will be totally smooth. But as your friend, I guarantee that Appa, Rishi and I will always stand by your side whether you are eighteen or more.. 

Go fulfil your dreams and stay joyous as you always should be. Don’t look back in regret. Look forward with hope. 

Be a star in the lives you touch. Spread your sparkle and keep smiling. And someday when your lashes get entangled because they’re too long, remember not to cry.. It’ll just get worse.. Let it be....Let go....Soar high...and spread love beneath your wings..,

And pick up the phone....because I will continue to worry..

Happy 18th! My dearest child.. Amma loves you

An age, a licence and the confidence of being a teen

And so the day dawned.. The day that the boy had been waiting for since he stepped out of his 10th std all of 16 years. The day he thought, 'life is one picnic, because he had joined college'

A two wheeler is the dream of most kids that age. My son was no different. He ate, drank and dreamt of riding a two wheeler to college. He did not foresee a wall in the form of his mom. No son, no licence, no touching the vehicle ever. He was shattered. He had a long list of reasons ready.
"A is also my age, and his father has got him a licence by changing his birthdate"
"X is riding his bike the last few months, he hasn't been caught till now"
"We can get a licence from xyz town, they give a licence very easily"
Excuses and reasons were aplenty. But none that were legal, or that would be accepted.
I had refused to budge.
A friend tried telling me, "You rode a bike when you were that age, so why not him? I let my child ride the bike when the roads are empty"
My parents feeling extra proud of their daughter would extol the varied pursuits of hers. "Your mom rode a bike when she was in her 6th class. She would do this,she would do that.."

For me it wasn't about the roads. It wasn't about the safety of my boy on the roads. It was about ethics. When the law was not permitting, he will not do it.

But sadly, teenagers have a rule book of their own. I'm not categorizing all teens. It's mostly what I know,we as mothers discuss about and stress about.

I was told, that my boy might ride a vehicle behind my back. While in college or while I wasn't watching. At that I was confident. I had brought up my boy to be honest. I knew I could trust him. He had given me that equation. The equation of belief and trust.

Every two months he would plead with me. He would ask to go to the class right down the road, or for his hair cuts when there were time constraints. He bullied me, he cajoled me. He called me names. ( Yes, he did that. I'm sure there are other kids too, who do it) He was angry, he was feeling defeated.
Here was his mother who was acting 'weird'. Who was not like 'other moms'. 'Here was a woman who hated him'

Dear son, I wish you really know the agony I go through watching you hurt and upset. There have been times when out of frustration, I've wanted to hand over the keys and say "Ok, just this once" . It's been tough for me too. To stand and be honest to my principles.

I had said "You turn 18, get your license and the vehicle is yours"

It's been 2 years of stress, fear, uncertainties for the mother in me. As much as I would like to be strong, when it comes to one's own child, we are putty in the hands of these emotions.
It's hurtful to watch that boy who towers over you feel defeated. Feel upset.
But the only thing I have to say is, it hurts for now yes. But if something were to happen, god forbid, because you relented and it was against the law, as a parent you will never survive the mental agony.

I'm glad I stood my ground. My boy all of 18, confident and happy now, a wee bit disappointed with his mother, but putting that aside ,walks off with his documents in hand. Says he will not pay an agent. Says he will do it on his own. And that he is old enough.
Yes, he did manage..though there were a hundred calls to the mother in the few hours. But he did it.

And I'm a proud mother of a boy who now holds a licence to drive a vehicle.

Phew!
I now will just continue to worry...

Can 18 get any better?

       The books said, that the feeling is so amazing.. That once a baby is born, your world is brighter, it changes.. I didn't feel any of that. All I could remember was that I was done with the push and the scream and the pain.. I smiled at the boy baby they showed me and I promptly went kaput. It took me a couple of hours to get to being the 'Mother'... The first hold, the gentleness that I felt when I saw the most adorable face (that was the only part I could see) can never be described. And to hold those feelings precious, that only I can treasure. He was mine.

He made me his, when he followed me around holding my fingers...refusing to let go. When he refused to go to others I felt a sense of victory. (Later I wished, he'd go to someone, anyone ,so that I could at least use the bathroom when needed)

A child whose eyes twinkled when he laughed, taught me to hope. To live, to be happy for no reason at all. Each time there was a dip in my life, all I had to do was watch him look at his world and mine would be alright. He was my boy. He was my first born. He became my existence.
Time travels..and with it, it teaches experience.

Experience to know that the one who held your fingers, will glare at you if you get extraloving in school. No mom, you can't hug me...'I'm not a baby'...
But dear one, I need to hug you for myself.
His questions  became fewer, and his friends became more.

One day when he comes back from his cricket practice all by himself, I had no idea I'd be overwhelmed. I was learning to let go.. No more did I think that every auto guy would kidnap him nor was I worried he would take the left turn at the first sight of a HDFC bank.

For the mother in me, I didn't need big things to make me proud and happy for him. He was my Doberman... Moody ,snappy and silent at one, and then chattering away n happy the next, wanting me to hug him and pamper him.
I have truly and properly handed him my OCD genes.. And when I whine, my husband rolls his eyes at the madness we bring in.
The boy grew up and a young man soon followed. The young man closed his room door, spent more time inside, listened to songs the mother hadn't heard of even...
And refused to watch the absolute 'junk' (in his words) tv shows with me anymore..
I grew from being his 'sweetypie', 'loveyooo', to 'chill', 'nerd' to 'weird' mother. I've lived it all. But through it all,one thing was constant. 'You don't know anything, MA'...of course we moms don't know anything at all..but to watch their babies grow wings and fly away while we swallow that lump in our throats, for fear of being weird again.
I am the mother who will tear up, seeing her son bring home medals and praises from school. I will also tear up when I see him being generous with his affection to his friends who've gone through bad times. We understand and we just love.

Today as he turns 18 years.. I let go. I let go of my need to think of him as a baby. I let go, of my need to fear the worst for him. I know he will survive, I've taught him well. I let go of my fears for him...I let go of my boy. Go on son, dream on, live your dreams, make mistakes, learn from them, have the strength to accept your faults and forgive. Be a good human being..and just live your life.

In 18 years that baby I was holding is a young man now. That protectivenes I feel is still there, but I have been forced to slowly let him go.  This might be the hardest part, watching him step out into his own life and make mistakes, guiding him without nagging, balancing his need to be autonomous with my need to cling to him.. I will want to shout at him as he walks out the door, “I have kept you alive and well for 18 years, don’t mess this up for me now!"

But always remember, your 'weird' mom will forever love you and will continue to wait up, till you get back home to ask you 'Have you eaten anything?'

Here's wishing my big boy all of 18 the very best he can ever dream of... Sigh!! Even that bike that he always wanted.. Yes..

At 18, everything is possible and tomorrow looks friendly. - Jim Bishop

"So let's make this a memorable occasion
In every single way
And I'll be there to help you
Ensure it's a wonderful day. -

The love of friends and family
Will be with you today
So enjoy the many wishes
Which are bound to come your way"

Happy birthday my son 

Will they always be an experiment?

"You never got me a mobile phone when I was that age!" Screamed the 17year old. 
"But I haven't got him one as yet, so why are you getting so upset about it" I  replied... 

"You always give in to his tantrums, but you never bought me anything" 
"He is watching tv till 10 o'clock"

Life is normal in our household. Silence is what I need to fear.
For a child who was the firstborn, and always had my attention life gifted him 'big boy' status in a matter of hours. For a child who was being fed his dinner the previous night, was suddenly asked to behave like a big boy. "Your mom is busy with the baby" they said.
Much as I would like to change many things then, I know, that there will always be something that will pull at my strings of guilt.
Will a mother ever be biased with her children? There can be many answers to this. But I'd like to say, that at some point in time, we just do that. And it's always the older child that bears the results of all our experiments in parenting.

As a mother of a 4 year old when my second son was born, I had no idea that I would be dealing with my own confused conscience years later. It was always learning on the go. No amount of elder speak or books or advices can prepare one for the issues that a child can bring in.

I have done it. I am guilty. I have let my boy grow up overnight and expected him to be all understanding. I didn't know any other way. But little does he realise that he got the best part of me.  The younger child always had the liberty to fall or to stay back late or refuse something. Only because I knew by then thanks to my 'big boy' that it would all be ok. It was not life threatening.
The first borns will always remain an experiment in the parent's life. They want to do their best for the child. And with no prior references, we turn to letting life teach us.
The younger ones will get by. We are aware that climbing a tree, will just result in a fall, broken bones, hospital visits and it's all going to be ok. We learn.

But have the firstborns learnt? That their parents love both equally? There will always be a time where they will judge their parents and will come to their own conclusion. But I will say, it's ok let them learn. But don't stop being what you have always been.

And she will fill her world with colour..

"Daughters are like flowers they fill the world with" .......



She had always wanted a daughter...they seemed special to her. Their eyes always pleading to love them. And all the time while she was studying, she would baby sit friends and aunts daughters. There was an inner peace.
She prayed she would have daughters when her belly grew with the life inside and the angry kicking.
She went to sleep knowing,those restless feet that pushed through her swollen belly belonged to a baby boy, who'd fill his mother's life with joy n absolute chaos. Twice she had hoped. But there were plans being made above..girls in her life would hug, kiss and implore. And then one day walk away into the arms of their man who would love them just as much.
But she was blessed.. She would have not one but two wonderful girls, walking into her life, in the arms of the boys she had borne. Them she would watch, while they cared and loved and brought that twinkle in her boys' eyes.
Yes. She had always wanted a daughter. And she will get one

This post is written for the Marathon bloggers December session. Tuesday themed and how... 

#MB2013