Monday, December 29, 2008

Grappling with guilt

At times I feel helpless...never know how to react to someone when they tell me their loved one passed away..
Its tough . The other person is hurting, no amount of what we say is going to change the way they feel. We cannot replace their lost one...each one has his place on this earth, and only they can give it value. Niether you nor I can fill that shoe.
When you know a person, whoever he is connected to makes us feel connected. I might never have met the person, nor might I meet him ever...but still we hurt.
How do we take our minds of the guilt, when thoughts come echoing back to us. " Could I have helped?"
"If I had just given him more money, maybe he could have used it? " ( but were we to know how soon it would be needed.
" If only I had met up and had lunch together"
So many ifs...but there is only one answer...
it didn't happen...and thats why we are asking the if?

Why do we get so ridden with such guilt. It can be stifling at times.
My driver's father passed away today. And i'm sitting here chewed up with guilt. If only I hadn't asked him to come this morning to take my son for his early morning practice., maybe he would have gotten those extra few hours with him.
But I really didn't know he would go away without recovering, and neither did my driver tell me. Each time I asked of his dad, he would say , he was on the way to recovering.
Was I being too presumptious?
Was I too selfish??
God!! this can be killing.

It’s funny how death changes ones perspective to thinking. Life, an energy dome, fails to teach us half the things that an event like a death can…

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Resolve to solve :)

If only the old year could be thrown out of our could have been easier...the happenings eclipse what went by...hopefully it will bring on new hopes and new cheer in the new year to follow.
Last year has had its moments....memorable ones for me to cherish and some that i'd rush to forgive but not forget...i'd like to make a difference.

The holiday season has begun in full force.. ( How else would you explain, noise, muck, sand on the bathroom floor??!!!! )
They say that Christmas is a season of need not necessarily be gifts in the material sense...we can also give each other, love, peace, smiles and most important of all the time for another..
But I have never been able to understand that inspite of us making such statements about not bothered about receiving gifts.. " Its the thought that matters"...lines thrown oh so often...why is it that when one gives a gift.. our eyes light up like the stars...and sparkles and the smile stays glued all along...yes!! thats because it is fun getting a gift...I love gifts...but yes, I'm not very fussy....if one were to give me a Porsche instead of the BMW, I wouldn't complain, honest. Tell me one person who doesn't like seeing that beautifully packed ( even if the packing is all crooked, in an old greasy newspaper...) , gift with a ribbon sitting next to one's pillow, or on the kitchen cabinet..tell me...are you one of them???

Along with gifts...this year ( just like every year :) ...wonder why the trend never changes...) I follow the gang..and try to make a new year resolution..half heartedly knowing full well, the resolution will be forgotten even before the last guest leaves the TV channels...where does the 'follow the resolution' come into the picture?????

This year is no different..I've started early.. ( and blogged about it too ;) , so that I don't forget...and all you peoples out there can direct me back here with that cruel grin)
I've listed out a few resolutions...i'd love to follow through ( now I havent said, I will , mind you ;) )

1. I'm going to get into shape...I know the battle with the bulge is a long term one...but i'm going to at least start by walking past the gym every morning...if the time permits in between procrastinating, i'll even enter the gym :D .
There I said it..
Heard of the runners euphoria??
( A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays." -- Neil P. Budge)

well i'm going to have the gymmers euphoria!! All days of the week....

2. I'm going to spend some more time with my family : cliched ain't it?? well...what else do you expect from a mother of two...if one is away the other takes care to see his mother doesn't miss the other... all for being a family :(
...but got to tell you they are adorable...and I love them to bits...
I'll ignore the ball knocking on the bat 24/7 with the TV on, and them mouthing the song "Desi Girl" along with their mp3 players....I'll smile along...

I watched this great video ( if you don't watch'll be missing something)and now I know how I actually look and sound to the kids.... :P
Should thank Preethi from Just a mother of two for that link...its brilliant...and so ME...

3. I resolve to work with neglected people....I 'll start with my own kids followed by the husband. Poor guy is always " i'll give them break fast and then you can have yours...i'll put them to bed, and then...." so poor guy...he really needs looking after.

4. I resolve to swim everyday...once the weather gives the lovely bright yellow round ball of gas up there permission to start shining brighter...there should be a law passed for us Bangaloreans...all pools should be heated...or at least warmed up...its cruelty to human life. until then, i'll just sit by the pool side and watch the water make waves :D

5. I will try to figure out how I can remember all the passwords for the umpteen forums I get into...without changing it zillions of times...i've run short of ideas... and can't even remember the answer to vague questions only they can come out with?? :(

6. I will eat out more...i'm tired of cooking. And when I get back from eating out, i'll not crave for the bowl of rice that is sitting on the kitchen counter..i'll be happy and content with the greasy food that is dished out to me...i'll stop trying to find what ingredient went into each dish...hoping I can make a similar one next time at home..without the grease...

7.I'll stop making new year plans that always start with a trip to Kosa mui, travels to Bali, then onto Macau....what nots... and eventually ends up in a Bengaluru backyard...ok...last year I did manage to fit in Goa...but one can't be lucky every year, can they?!!!

8. I will read every blog that shows an update within the same day itself..and if it doesn't show an update i'll go and see what makes them stay that long without posting...I shouldn't be making the same excuse can I??

9. I will stop procrastinating.....

10. My last one...ten I think is way too i'll stop here...
The last one is to be flexible...way more than what I am...
i'll keep all the top 9 in the list flexible...that is a great start isn't it?

Wish all of you a great time, ending this year 2008...bring in the new year without a bang...we've had enough of it already....just learn to be happy with what you have...but be always ready to learn more...put out your hand to help even if it means you have to stop a minute in between your task...
and let that Smile reach your eyes...and help it twinkle...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I don't know what!!

Has there been a time in your life when you feel lost...not the lost in thoughts...but just LOST. You don't know what you feel or don't know what you want? All you know is that you're feeling
"I don't know what".
Sometimes I feel i'm missing something or someone, but can never pin it down. At times like these, I just pick up the phone and call a works all the me.
When i'm in a mood that can be dangerous for friends....I just call my sister...she's my sounding board...solid one at that...( though she's a year younger) But when you can actually complain and criticize the same people and have a similar opinion..or just find faults with some feels cathartic. I don't come away from the call , with any kind of surefire solution..but the few laughs, the small whines and the endless " non worries" helps.

Still there are times, when I find myself listening to soothing chants of music. I'm not fussy....I'd love to listen to any kind. It could be very repetitive recitals of or chants of could be the lilting tunes of instruments...( The ones that say they remind you of winds, mountains, rivers...) sometimes just the lovely , lively and amazing carols can just lift the spirits....after all "HO HO HO" is not gurgled out for nothing...

Sometimes, there is a that most healing hug from a friend- a hug that is not romantic or comforting, but can put you and the friend into an amazing state of ease.....feeling way better?!!
Right now amidst exam chaos, and endless mommy duties and some no use duties too and even wondering where those last 12 months went whizzing past...I find myself yearning to get back to those days when, school christmas time was all about partying, singing carols, practising for school plays and then giving was fun..
it was therapeutic and all the more it was pure unadulterated magic of just BEING.
Next week, my kids start Christmas vacation and this time the sound of a holiday with nowhere to go, but just sitting at home chilling out....sounds lovely relaxing and plain stressfree..( crossing fingers behind the back)I'm going to just do nothing that has to be planned...

And when I did hear " don't know what mood" did actually soar..listen
slow but just awesome to lift those dead feet

The Banana Boat Song - Harry Belafonte

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Que Sera Sera....

When we are growing up, there are all the fisheyed people ( one's who look so down on your small puny frame!) asking you"Putta, neenu BIG adhmele, yaenaagthiyaaa??? " ( lil girl, what do you want to be, when you grow big???)I'm sure the time trusted answers would have been lisped out
"Doctor- as long as the play set is intact"
Engine driver- a favourite amongst kids...( the sounds and the endless trips to the railway station , to just standthere while the engine chugs in(psst...I even went for a long ride in the engine on the way to Delhi once..)
Mechanic- How else can they explain their love for dirt, grease and ichak pichak...
Kids nowadays of course have even more varied options...what with so many opportunites creeping into their lives through media...our media then was "word of mouth - one friend would talk in low whispers and say- "hey, you know what -aa..her daddy is a -----" and then our dream world would spin its own stories..."It used be the parents who would even then answer in monosyllables..."mmm- "Media then would be the colourful posters, with really good artwork on the underbridges..." one did read- consult a sex-expert- for any problums related to se" and then you should know what could have happened "
Appaaaa...what is sex???" Hahhaa....those words still have an impact on me...I'm in the firing line now...and I now know and wholly understand why my dad would assume the " busy watching the roadsigns or directions" look back then...( Thankfully, we never said, "I want to be that" --- I might not have been writing here or even thinking about it ...)
The present scenario is far different...we can become anything we aspire for. The world has progressed to that now. Its a blessing and yet so refreshing. Its not longer LS (low society) to be a Bsc or BA graduate..there are opportunities.But wait....
Did you ever wonder what you could have become, if not what you already are???
I now know the umpteen options I could have had...
With my full name, I have beenp roudly given the title of
Rally Car driver
Commisioner and many more fun things...and when I read actually feels good...I still have time..'cos the last one actually said this to me.. " ANYTHING BUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW" LOL!!!! Priceless...
What do you think you could have done in your life??

and do let me know what you would have become :)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Is it easy?

Is it easy ?
To overcome :

The empty feeling that filled my being, long after the household had gone to sleep, unaware of the fear that it instilled in me. It was easy to switch off the media. But to overcome the impact of the cries, the staccato sounds, of gunfire

To overcome the hollowness, one feels, the feeling of helplessness. Yes, none of us could do anything, but pray, wring our hands and pray harder.

To overcome the amazing sense of gratefulness, for all the black clad, young, well built sons, who had their family biting their nails off, knowing this was what their men had set out to achieve, but not knowing if they will sit by their side one day, And how?!

Can I overcome, the knowledge that the very men in power, wield their mikes as if it was their fluted glasses."Such small incidents" they say, **When asked at a press conference whether the terror strike was an intelligence failure, Patil said in Hindi: "Aisa nahi hai. Itne bade shahar mein chhota hadsa ho jata hai. To total failure nahi hai. (It is not like that. In big cities like this, small incidents do happen. It's is not a total failure.)"** 'cos they are snuggled safe in the knowledge that their kin was maybe safe at home, sipping masala chai...What if it were to be their own???

If the people crying out aren't their own, why seek their votes...
How to overcome the scenes that left their impact long after the world had cast their opinions. How can the parent overcome the loss, the families who are left asunder...
what should have been a night of fun, peace and relaxation..turning out to be a nightmare.

To overcome the near ruins that the beautiful building, that the Taj Hotel once was!

Can we overcome the need to blame?
To overcome the need to reach out but know not how!
To overcome the smaller details- wear a white shirt, light a candle, run a marathon
To overcome, the misery and depression one is left with
We sit out here...far away, thinking we are safe..but didn't the one's who were affected also think the same?
How to overcome the anger-That leaves you drained out.?
To overcome the disgust that makes us aware how poorly equipped we are in the form of proper equipment for those very men who are out trying to save our lives.
It is the time to overcome but not forget, to work toward building a stronger nation...physically, mentally and yes...
Enough talk of Mumbaikar's spirit...that's not reason enough for the ruthless men on a mission to let loose their brains and everything sensible behind.
When one of the arrested terrorists said " I want to live" what did he think, his victims, didn't want to live??

Teach the terrorists
To overcome
anger and violence.
But most of all to overcome

P.S Came across this at a friend' if anyone is interested...have a look