Thursday, January 16, 2014

Will they always be an experiment?

"You never got me a mobile phone when I was that age!" Screamed the 17year old. 
"But I haven't got him one as yet, so why are you getting so upset about it" I  replied... 

"You always give in to his tantrums, but you never bought me anything" 
"He is watching tv till 10 o'clock"

Life is normal in our household. Silence is what I need to fear.
For a child who was the firstborn, and always had my attention life gifted him 'big boy' status in a matter of hours. For a child who was being fed his dinner the previous night, was suddenly asked to behave like a big boy. "Your mom is busy with the baby" they said.
Much as I would like to change many things then, I know, that there will always be something that will pull at my strings of guilt.
Will a mother ever be biased with her children? There can be many answers to this. But I'd like to say, that at some point in time, we just do that. And it's always the older child that bears the results of all our experiments in parenting.

As a mother of a 4 year old when my second son was born, I had no idea that I would be dealing with my own confused conscience years later. It was always learning on the go. No amount of elder speak or books or advices can prepare one for the issues that a child can bring in.

I have done it. I am guilty. I have let my boy grow up overnight and expected him to be all understanding. I didn't know any other way. But little does he realise that he got the best part of me.  The younger child always had the liberty to fall or to stay back late or refuse something. Only because I knew by then thanks to my 'big boy' that it would all be ok. It was not life threatening.
The first borns will always remain an experiment in the parent's life. They want to do their best for the child. And with no prior references, we turn to letting life teach us.
The younger ones will get by. We are aware that climbing a tree, will just result in a fall, broken bones, hospital visits and it's all going to be ok. We learn.

But have the firstborns learnt? That their parents love both equally? There will always be a time where they will judge their parents and will come to their own conclusion. But I will say, it's ok let them learn. But don't stop being what you have always been.

1 comment:

Sumana said...

Oh wow, been there was all i could say. But that maturity of thought came to me only after reading this. I tried explaining and re-explaining myself to the elder one and thanks to you.