Thursday, April 17, 2008

my eyes!


What do you do, when you feel crawlies all over you???


Well I for one, havent done anything...I know it wont work, cos some other bigger crawlie will creep over you, making you feel like a complete idiot.


Ranting I am, yes!!! reasons are so many...but I dont want to get into the mode of whining all the time..( looks like i've done enough, and not many would want to hear that all the time :( )


All these years, (yes, I've had quite a few adding up on the abacus!) I thought I had some sense, common or rare, it didn't matter. It was there and I walked around head held high, nose down though...I had thought if you wanted something really bad...it would just come to you, you only had to work hard. It had been working pretty well till a few years ago...when suddenly the dream machine that dished out solution to sens(ers) like me, went kaput!!!!


More than a decade old of parenting , put me under a false sense of security that if people around me say "You have such a wonderful son, he's so endearing" means that he is one and I needn't think much. I had done a great job. But my balloon blew out of proportion...and yes, its on the verge of bursting!!!


My son, who's so into cricket and his sports and stuff...has all things going for him. He's a good student, gets good grades. A mom, who is there all the time for him...trying her best to juggle an overly active younger son, endless activities all in one...and getting him to live his dreams un-hurdled (is there a word like that?? )


When his coach told me this one day " He's such a lovely boy, something about him touches me...so hardworking and caring" I looked around ...surely he wasn't talking to me. But he was. That got me thinking....where was I going wrong then??

Why does he get so aggressive when he's with me? I know he's entering the teens next year, but is it so bad? I'm more like a villain in his life. And when you're at the receiving end it sure doesn't look too entertaining, like in the movies...It hurts like hell, knowing that you have not succeeded in making your own happy.
Where do I draw a line between taking care of both with equal ernest and being unfair to either?
The lines blur, cos there isn't one. Any parent who has more than one child knows there are no favourites...they are like 'your eyes', no one is better than the other.
It gets exhausting searching in all directions for answers. Hopefully the answers will fall into my lap like a pack of cards....one after the other...

All I want is to be a good mom, supermom I needn't be..but someone who will not have to think twice before she talks to her son or does something for him..unfettered and fearless.



39 comments:

~nm said...

My son is already showing some signs like these and he is just 4! I wonder what to expect in future.

He is the most gentle and loving boy to the other world, or at least thats how they tell me but the most wild and angry and stubborn child when with me.

I guess I should keep an eye on your blog so that I can learn from you experience.

Suma said...

awww...poor you...u're doing a great job...

mebbe u and i can sob together when we meet ...and sing together..."IT's A PHASE...he's gonna get over it"...

like i always said...they have to let off steam somewhere..its better if they do it at us...

there are no answers prats...so don't wait...just be there for him...he'll understand some day..

Ziah said...

Prats!! Hang in there ya... These pre-pubescent boys I tell you... We women are very different from those men ya!

See, you're the disciplinarian and you're the be-all-end-all for your kids... so, for the lack of options, they have ONLY you to rebel against. It sucks, but hey! Like Suma sez, I'm sure its just a phase. If you centre your life on a person, be it the kids and their bond with you, you'll find your boat rocked every now and then... Remember???

Thumb Rule - Do. Not. Take. This. Personally. :) If it mystifies you so much, wait for a good day and talk to him about it, or if he doesnt open up, then ask hubby or someone close to speak with him as to why he resents your actions so strongly. Maybe, just a perspective will help. :)

vEENs said...

well.. now i understand what mom talks to me all the time abt me :-\

i think i m like this even now :-/

well parenting is the toughest job i think :-|

y dnt kids cme out of mommas womb and be grown up all sensible and understanding and what else :-/

[ dnt laugh now..i m concerned hw i will do my job wen i m there :-/]

Ps said...

I'm feeling so bad reading this.But when i look back on MY teenage years, I gave my parents HELL.I used to talk back, rebel, break rules and do everything that they said I shouldn't.I hated anything they suggested.
I think kids with strong individualities will be that much more harder on the parents--That doesnt make your job as a mom any easier, i agree.But I do appreciate your son's attitude.
In fact my own two talk back to me--and secretly i am glad that they show some spine.
He'll turn out just fine, believe me.
{{{Hugs}}}

--xh-- said...

pratz, no answers from me.. otehrthan, it is a phase whn we think our parents dont know anything and what they sayz dont make sense.. it will take some time, but he will see the sense.. like we saw after these years :)

Rambler said...

I read this post and feel a lot guilty..because I am not a teenager anymore but still I am in that phaze, where people outside think I am fun to be with, and my mom always gets the bad side of me.
I always tell her, thats because I need not put up an act with her around, and with people you need to please them, with her I get to be myself, I need not think anything about what she will think, in a way it shows how close I am to her, then to anybody else, many a times I don't want to change you know, I feel I will loose the closeness if I do.

J said...

You are a super mom.. even before I read this post.

I guess at times, you need to give Jr. some space, especially when he's growing up.

This post sort of reminds me of a phase... don't fret too much, and if you do need to worry, just make sure he does't get on the wrong track. That's all that matters.

I'm sure sometime soon, things will be back to normal. Take care.

Yeh, haven't been around of late. Too many things happening.. things I wish didn't happen. But it's all good :)

Joy said...

I had read somewhere that parenting is just one way - to give and not to take. It is really hard to undestand and accept. Most of us were like this to our moms. But we all realised and understood how major role she played in forming our lives. As Ziah said, don't take it personally.

Shruti said...

that last line.. oh.. so much like my mom.. its these boys u know.. aggression just shows they've grown. Its a part of the male personality. They're incomplete without it. They hesitate to show it to outsiders whom they know. They end up making victims of either strangers or people who're closest to them and whom they aren't scared of-mothers and siblings. My mom sounds like u many times.. esp that last line (fear) .. oh.. so she was serious! :-/

Shruti said...

oh one more thing.. not too good a thing.. I dont think this is a phase.. :-(
My brother has been like that for more than 15 yrs now. Me.. I think I've been nicer. umm.

Shruti said...

oh one more thing.. not too good a thing.. I dont think this is a phase.. :-(
My brother has been like that for more than 15 yrs now. Me.. I think I've been nicer. umm.

Prats said...

@~nm 4 and he's on it already? You are surely having a stressful time then. Its great to have you coming here...thank you

Prats said...

@suma you're such a sunshine!! Sobbing sounds good....i'm so caught up, I forget that I can cry it out half the time :(
I'll just have to wait and hope.

Prats said...

@ziah thanks babes...sometimes, it feels so overwhelming, and its tough to sit back and relax, knowing that I might regret a moment of delay.
And yes, I am finding the external perspective to see whats rocking this strong boat of mine

Prats said...

@veens Well, we parents just don't give up I know and I also accept sometimes we can be hard on the kids. I went thru that phase too, so I understand.
And don't worry, you will do wonderfully when the time comes.

Prats said...

@ps Reading what you've said, gives me a sense of security. I started getting worried when the aggression turned to disrespect...
You've given me a new angle to look at now.
And yes, he sure is a very strong personality...and I don't want to ruin that in the bargain of parenting.
Thanks for the support.

Prats said...

@xh hey, thanks for your view too. Many times, we're always looking at an issue from our own point of view, and we fail to listen to others.
I really pray that he will see sense and hopefully soon ;)

Prats said...

@rambler Sorry, about that...didn't want to stir up the guilt from anyone...

*I always tell her, thats because I need not put up an act with her around, and with people you need to please them, with her I get to be myself**

Thats so assuring. It is true to a large extent, though it can hurt us at times. Thank you

Prats said...

@j hey, thanks...feels nice to get a tag like that in spite of all my faults.

The whole thign that worries me, is this 'getting on the wrong track' bit. I feel as if this aggression might lead to things he would want to do , just to spite me and its scary.


Its good having you back here...and hope things turn out good for you in all ways :)

Prats said...

@joy...yes i've heard that line too...but its tiring, cos you're finally feeling empty. :(
I hope to not take it too personally. Thank you.

Prats said...

@shruthi Thank you so much and its nice having you here.
You said it right, they are growing up and how?!!
We mothers fear that they don't reach a snapping point an dthats our worry...but now I know I should give in a bit too.
Aaaww....*hugs to u*, I'm sur ein spite of everything, he might just not be able to accept that he likes you as his sibling...
It is difficult to say it out, and I thank you for letting me in on that, so that I 'll be aware too

Madhumita. said...

But Prats you're the 'mother'! Thats your answer right there. Adult or child, whatever face we display to the rest of the world, its only with ones parents, esp. the mom with whom every impulse good or bad can be expressed.

I remember giving my parents so much hell growing up and not even realising it. But then, I relied 100 pct on their unconditional acceptance of all my atrocious behaviour :)

From all I've read, you sound like a mother any child would be more than lucky to have. I'll bet you anything that you are indispensable and the number one person in your kids' lives!

the stygian sailor said...

he he he he
don't worry!
i have done such things to my mom too!
its just a way of seeking attn. first borns consciously or sub-consciously cannot stand attention beibg diverted to their younger siblings.
it will be okay

Sumana said...

Hey prats, Can totally relate to you. I know you should not have expectations, plus it might only be a phase. Having read so many of your blogs, i get a feeling that you have been a great mom. May be during these adolescent years, be more of a friend to him.

Pri said...

aww thats soo sweet...
my mom often says the same thing when i sometimes go into 'sulk mode' and crib that she loves my sis more :)

Gazal said...

yes..like everyone has said...its the age and this is the age of rebellion.....

its just as hard for them as well...
believe me!!!

hang in there...and keep talking to him

Compassion Unlimitted said...

Just allow them to blossom.,.everything will be fine..Yes two eyes,no partiality,but there will be moments when they feel you are partial.Just like babies they will do anything,including being aggressive,just to grab your attention.Believe me they are much more concened on parents than we parents are on them..can i add at least in this age they are..
In my case,there have been several instances,they have been over anxious for me and expressed it to my friends especially in my very troubled times.Indirect way of conveying they care a lot !!.
But in your case the pangs have just started..learn to smile rather than reacting..it helps..the next few years will just fly off..and then different kinds of issues crop up..after all its life isnt it..every stage has its issues..but each one to be smiled away..
all these from my experience ma..just dont worry ma..RELAX
tc
cu

Prats said...

@madhumita You said it right...its mostly us mom's who appear as devils to them...and hey...that was sweet of you to raise my smile again....I hope they think so too.

Prats said...

@stygian. Thanks for that vote of confidence...It sure looks like the younger sibling is giving him sleepless nights...and you did all that too??? So you think I can hope some????

Prats said...

@pri..heheh it is so comforting to know that there are similar fish out there in this sea...
But us mom's really feel drained sometimes.. :(

Prats said...

@gazal thanks and yes...thats my POA for now...hopefully I wont have to hang on for too long...

Prats said...

@CU Oh yes it is....and a very tough climb up this thing called life!!!
But its nice to know that I have all of you supporting me and beign there telling me whats its all about...thank you.
How old are your kids? They do sound nice now.

ceedy said...

cant suggest - read thru the post and comments - and I think that at this age - they are not only confused vying for attention but also vying for freedom - physically changes are occuring in them that makes them vulnerable - and afraid to be caught and thats y they are repulsive

i guess treat them as a friend and instead of telling them what to do ask them to tell you what they want....

the stygian sailor said...

you can hope for lots of things. look at me. how good i am :)

Keshi said...

I dun even know if I'd be a mum..

Keshi.

Prats said...

@ceedy..thats a wonderful observation you've made. And maybe Though I have treid not mollycoddling him, mayeb a change of my own attitude is required. Thanks pal!

Prats said...

@stygian...I should just take your word for this, shouldn't I???? :D
But yes...a doc, like you in the family...to add to the long list, I wouldn't have to worry....

And I hope you're conquering the world like you've wanted now??

Prats said...

@kesh...aaaww, don't think of your life that far, hun....just take it one day at a time...just keep the eyes and ears opened :D

I'll help pitch in maybve if the brood drops in heheh